Am I Really That Useless?

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I am here, with my laptop, finishing up my assignment. I couldn't stop myself from thinking the facts, though. I mean, I think I am right all along with my definition of relationship. I mean, my relationship.

What is going on with me? I can't even place what is actually really wrong. I mean, we had fun together. We went to movies, we went for dinner, we hang out and just being cosy and lazy watching some sappy, chick flick movies on the couch... it just seemed so normal, yet there is something missing!

Honestly, it seems that something is really not right. It's just that I don't think that he likes me the way I do. As much as I do, and obviously... I don't think that he even loves me at all! When I looked at him, it just doesn't feel right. And, to be honest, it is kind of sad.

One more thing. If you are in a relationship with a person, and the fact that you are leaving in the same city of the person, you would have at least text her once a day, just to say hello or how are you thingy, right? But, he seems weird! I mean, he doesn't even care if he didn't text me for one day. He would eventually, text me like after two or three days later, and made things look so normal, and with that, it will eventually put me at stake of being a lunatic girlfriend! But obviously, I didn't say that to him! He should know that! I mean, it's not just about the text! It's about thought! Usually, people said, "it's the thought that counts!". But this means what?

For me, I want my boyfriend to actually care about me, but not that I want him to be with me all the time! That would simply spells, CLINGY! I wouldn't want a clingy ones. But the fact that he cares for me, and like care to know what I am up to for today but I can do whatever I want with my friends, does matter. But him? He just ignores me all day all week, until he feels like he wanted to know where I am!

Maybe this is a huge mistake. Maybe I shouldn't be with him, and should just stop all this nonsense? Is all this, nonsense?!

Ah, what a terrible things to be concluded with! And by the way, I didn't go out last night, but stayed at home and completing my assignment. But he did. Went out with all his friends, as always! Am I really that not important to him?!

Me, The Bad Vibes?

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Hey. Just got back from a club. Finishing up the trip report, and now I thought I want to scribble something too.

I don't know whether I am being paranoid or it is happening actually. I need comments on this, definitely.

The night that I came back from Amsterdam, it was on Tuesday night. The boyfriend was over at my place, and he went back the next day! I was completely wrecked. I was sick, that's why he was there. But that's not the point! When he went back the next day, to his car (he was driving and parked his car in the parking space outside my apartment), his car was robbed, back windows were smashed to pieces and then the whole car was burnt down! Police were over and it took ages to finish the whole thing with them! That's one thing. I can't stop having the thought that I am a wrecked head! I brought him bad luck! It was me, that he got that scene! If he was not here at my place, none of that could happened. Luckily, the car was insured.

Second, I went for a date with him last night to a cinema, watching James Bond. It was a great movie. Then, we went back to his place to chill out with few of his housemates, girls and boys. It was fine. Then, I slept over there and woke up today, he made breakfast and everything. Was perfect. Then, was chilling over at his place, and he wanted to go out with them friends as one of his friends is dj-ing over in the club. He was asking me if I wanted to go, but I said I don't know. The thing is, Marta is living so far now. And I barely have anyone else who is close enough with me that I can trust to go out with. So, I feel a bit out of place even though he was supposed to be my boyfriend. But, I went.

Ah, before that... when we were chilling after the breakfast, one of his friends just came back from Peru, and was chilling with us too. Out of nowhere, or maybe I heard it wrong... but he said something like he is going away next year for few months all over Europe. Just to experience things. Like, is that it? I mean, does that means he is just going to go away? Like, just away?

Okay, then in the club... I think everything just went wrong. I mean, I used to be so bubbly and known as a chatterbox all the time, but I just don't know why I just shut myself the whole night through! And, somehow I think he is acting strange as well! Maybe I am feeling so paranoid, but I think I am feeling the right thing. I just feel unwanted! That is what I actually felt. Seriously. Out of place.

Then, he was asking me that am I going with him to an after session, after the club. He was telling me that he just going to get drunk and back to his place with few friends, if I want to come with him, but he keeps on telling me that somehow I feel like he don't want me to be there. Like what is actually going on? After being too long to be stupid and silly in the club, I told him like, I just want to go home. Then, he sent me to the road and get me a taxi. I just don't feel good at all!

For me, I don't think he really cares about this relationship that we are having. Somehow, I am not really that important to him. And, what I did is just giving him more nightmares, with the car get burnt down and everything. And even, if I stayed, and holding to this relationship, obviously it is going nowhere if he really has planned that he is going away for few months next year. It's a hopeless relationship. Pointless.

So, I really really feel strange and weird at the moment, that I thought I think the best thing to do is just to end this relationship before it got any further. Obviously, it means nothing to him at all! Another failure job from me! I was thinking of ending it by just ignoring him. He will be fine I think, but I don't think I will though. God, this is very hurtful!

Let me know what you think, besides of telling me I am a nutcase! I am, alright. :)

Cheers!