How Should I Say This?

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Well... how should I say this?

There is a valid reason why I haven't been in here. Yes, I know. I keep on doing this. But, none of those before would be worst than this time. Well, how should I say this?

Okay. Here goes. I will be losing my job in two weeks time. There you go. I've said that.

Four people in our office has been let go, and we only got two weeks notice, and it started from today. I have lost my job. Period. Collapsing...again.

What should I say? I don't know. I really don't know. Wait. Like I have college, at least until next year. My company has already pay the college fees until I finish my fifth year. And that is at least until middle of the year. Then, I have to get a job before then to pay my own college fees next year. And I have tried. Not that I neglected the event of job searching. I did. But none of Quantity Surveyor vacancy is available in Ireland. None! Zilch.

There are few openings in UK as well as in Australia. But then again, how about my studies? Should I stop and move on, migrating to another country who desperately need my expertise and leave all my life, which is nearly three years I built myself here, in Ireland? Or should I just gave up and back to my own country, and let fate throw the life path that I can just obey to?

It is too early to decide, and this is the most difficult situation ever. I can't even think, and it is driving me completely nuts! What should I do? Which is the better choice to make? Disastrous, as ever! As always I am in the crucial situation ever.

What would I do? What should I do to make myself back to normal again? Which path?

Why is it so difficult to be me?

Collapsing

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Hey there.

All the things have been taken from my house, just minutes ago. He came, and now he's gone. He is completely gone for good now.

He did came earlier on this morning. He did. He came to pick up his money left here and few important stuff that he really really needs for the day. It was one hour before I went to class.

I know I might sound stupid about this whole story I am going to tell you about, but this is the fact. The truth fact.

When he was here, he was asking me, why would you became so angry to me? And, I didn't answer him at all. I just kept myself quiet, holding to my knees, on a chair. I was ignoring him completely. I just can't.

Then, within seconds, I can feel him hugging me from behind, and its just so beautiful. He keeps on asking me, softly. I retracted myself from him at first, but then I couldn't bear the sorrow inside me, and I just cried. I cried. And he was hugging and hugging me, comfortably. And it just keep me in tears. And he tried to shussh me, and said to me, not to cry. And calming me down. And then, I just blurted it all out. I told him everything, that I was so torn about what happened. And everything is let out. And he answered me. For once, I was so pleased with the answer.

"People make mistakes. It was a mistake to do such thing... don't cry. Please don't cry..." It was the most soothing thing I have ever heard from him. The most comfortable position to be there in his arms even though I knew by that time that he is going tomorrow, for good! It was such a nice moment. And we were holding on to each other, and he just hold on to me, and not releasing at all. I cried, I cried and I cried.

Then, he picked me up from the chair and bring me to the sofa, like a baby. And we cuddled for few minutes, and it was so quiet. Cuddling and hugging, in silence. It was the best moment ever, and somehow the tears just can't stop. I know that I will loose him for good this time, even though I never ever had him before.

He went out then later, back to the hostel he was in, and I went to class.

He came again few minutes ago to take the rest of the stuff. He was packing, and rushing. And I was just sitting there, and we were talking while he's doing the packing. And half an hour later, all packed and he moved to the door, and tell me, okay... that he is going. And we said bye, and that's it.

I really don't know what is going on between us now, because I know that I won't be seeing him again. But, it was just a simple bye. Honestly, a hug and a bye. And that's it.

Then, when he was gone, I was sitting on a couch, then only I can feel a streak of tears coming down on my cheek... I just cried again. It's done. That's it. And, he's just gone, and what I know for sure now, is that... I am collapsing, and I am collapsing badly.

What is it with that? Is there anything you think that I missed? Why would we had the moment? The silence moment? Is it not better off to not get involved when it's supposed to be ended?! Why would that happened? I am so torn.