A Peanut In A Matchbox

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Have you ever eaten a packet of peanuts? Have you ever used a match from a matchbox? What would you say if you see a peanut in a matchbox? How would you feel if you are the peanut in the matchbox? Feeling odd? Out of place?

Yes. I believe so. I am feeling exactly the same. I do feel like a peanut in a matchbox just knowing the fact that I am heading home soon. It scares me to actually be in a position of a peanut in a matchbox. The journey home would soon be like the peanut’s expedition en route for the matchbox world.

Clearly, there will be no peanuts around, but there will only be one match, two matches, three matches and many matches. There might be a match or two, which were known as a peanut before, but things changed. And they are all gone. The peanut will be so alone and undoubtedly, on its own! Pity the peanut, but life must go on.

It will be a new passage of life, for the peanut of course. But it will not be easy on the peanut. It is a big challenge. It is as if like going to school for the first time, which involved making new friends, adapting to the new environment, to be accepted as who you are – especially when you are unmistakably different from the rest of the crew!! Peanuts are not matches. Not in any way, and this will make it harder.

Huh. Let’s just hope the peanut will succeed. But still, I do feel like a peanut in a matchbox. Now it is only the beginning, but once the time is here when I ought to jump onto that plane… then the tale of being a peanut in a matchbox begins.

It Is Real

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So, it is already Tuesday, and actually it is Wednesday already. I am sitting on my bed, having my laptop with me... thought I should have write something as I already have been neglected the blog ever since the day...

Surprisingly, I am quite okay. Not quite, but just right. I was a bit 'collapsing' in a way, when I got home and found out all was left only myself and few stuff. I have been trying to cope up the peaefulness without having to be into the silent treatment no more. But, sadly enough... I think I do miss that part though. As if now, it was only me with myself and no others.

I got a text! Last night when I was already tucked under my comfy duvet. It was an accident though. I didn't even hear the phone making text sound, or anything such... Just a coincidence. And there it was, a text from an unknown number. A text from that particular country. Bliss.

Somehow, I do feel my heart is making a yelp! Quietly inside. The tremendous excitement. I knew it was that person. After few days of trying too hard to not think about it, I got a text! It was magnificent! In a way. I did replied, and no answer. No answer until today. That is always the case. Always will be.

What is going on with us? But at least it was not me who did trying to find him, even though I do feel the urge to do so. I just can't. At least he did text me once, even though he did not reply me then. Would that means something, or would that really means anything?

God. It is too sad to think about it, furthermore to make my own speculation on it.

Whatever it is, I can't really lied to myself. I just can't. I tried to make things easier by to get into fights so that I can get over it, as soon as possible. But I just really can't. At least not now. And, others... are keep on telling me that I am being stupid of not realizing that it is only a pentomine. But it is not. It is really not the thing. It's just different, and whatever things people are going to say about it, I know deep inside it is actually real. Somehow. It is.

Silly Girl

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It's Friday. I was supposed to be happy as the weekends almost there. But instead, I'm not.

Silly me, seriously silly me. I knew that he will be going today, I should have spend sometimes last night talking or such, as he will not be back for long. He will be back in three weeks time to collect his other stuff remaining, but then he will be off again, this time is for good. At least, until our Prague holidays (if that would ever happen. I doubt about it though).

But, snobbish me, I scooted back, cave in the bedroom, and tucked myself under the duvet trying so hard to fall asleep, whilst he is in the living room! I have not even said good night! I think I would be awarded as the meanest person ever live!

Woke up this morning, with swollen eyes, performing the usuals... first, to the kitchen to boil the kettle, then I found him sleeping, crumpling on the sofa. Looking like a little child, sleeping peacefully. The odd feeling from last night, just struck back in.

After I have finished the normal chores, before I went off, I couldn't even manage to wake him up to say goodbye. I just can't. Instead, I left him a note. Just a note. Not a kiss, and not even a hug!

Before I went out, he was awake. Laughing in the sleep! Must have been a funny dream he had. He blinked over, and smile. Strange. Smiled back, then I hurriedly went to the room, and leave in the note. On the way to the door, I heard that he is in the bathroom. But once again, silly me just scoot herself away to the door, and that was it!

Why would I do such things? Ah, because I am a silly girl.

And now I am back in the house, and it feels really really strange. He is not there, and it is so odd. It's so empty. I can't and don't really know how to say this, but I just realized that I really have lost something, as I keep on feeling that odd feeling oozing in and out myself.

I am being odd now, I think.

Odd Feeling?

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So, it is already Thursday. Thursday equals to late night shopping. Plus, mostly people got paid today, the last Thursday of the month. Same goes with me, but there is nothing in the shop that really intrigues me. Okay, okay. There is this one sneakers by Onitsuka Tiger. A white sneakers. So nice, and so girly in a way. But then, there is something more important bothered me today. Really bothered that I thought that I can swim in my own piece of mind.

But, I went to look up the shoes anyway. Unfortunately, they could not find my size. It's so rare to have many of them in my size, but usually they will have a few in stocks. But, as in for today... there is not even one in the stock! That is just the begining of my sorrow, I presumed.

I have been blabbing, nagging, complaining, cheering, chuckling, smiling, crying over this one person, who basically once in a while became the sub topic and sometimes, the main topic, in most of my posts since it was ever existed. Not just in the blog, but somehow in my life. Vice versa. In short, this one person coloured and patterned my canvas of life. With or without realizing it.

I have sometimes aknowledged this person as Mr. Jerk. (It is not as bad as it seems. That's just a name). He is nice most of the times - references to loads of previous posts would help.

He is...

1. My best funny, cheesy companion as he always made me laugh even though at times when I was supposed to be mad at him.

2. My best personal cook who never fails to feed me good, yummy, healthy food and when I could not finish the food on my plate, he will start blabbing, warning and telling me stories about how the starving people in Africa and Somalia, and I should be grateful and finish up everything (oh, and I did finish up everything!).

3. My best party partner who always had reasons to push me to come over to any party when there were times I said NO. He will always came up with a reason, that I will ended up being there in the party, and never failed to have fun for days!

4. My best couch potato mate, as after dinner on weekdays or if we don't feel like going out to clubs on weekends, we would spend hours in front of the telly to watch anything, from National Geographic Wild with the Monkey Business, Street Monkey and of course, his favourite... The Sharks! Or maybe, sometimes a re-run of The Goodfellas, Blow or even The Godfather Series. Then, as now he has turned out to be a newbie of The Simpsons addict, who are so attached with the telly when the show is on. Every single time, we had fun giggling and laughing hysterially over Homer, Marge, Bart, etc.

5. My best friend who is always there for me whenever things got nasty over my life and people around me. He always say something, made me realizing of things around me. Good things or bad things for me to think about it. And, sometimes... (not recently though), he will somehow cheer me up if I had bad day at work, by sending me stupid, funny texts that I will soon ended up laughing in the office instead of straining my nerves out of my brain.

6. My best opponent when we got ourselves into stupid, silly war. We can go for days of not talking to each other, even though if we are sitting in the same room! Just to provoke each other, we tend to just ignore each other so well, that sometimes (I think), it's not just me who pissed off, annoyed and irritated with the scenario, but he did too! *giggles* Then, somehow, we always did became 'okay' with each other without even has to say a thing. We can have no reason for not talking to each other in sudden and go for the silent treatment, and we can also have no reason to talk back to each other like normals do, back to our normal laughing, giggling, etc.

7. My other part of me, who never fails to understand what I want at every moment. Who knows me too well. Really well, that sometimes, if something happened, I don't have to say a thing but he understand and do exactly what I thought he would.

That is him. Mr. Jerk. He is not my boyfriend, but he is not just my friend either, so I think. It is so difficult to actually portray the things that we are having. The bonding. The relationship. Inexplicable.

But then, tomorrow he is going off for the afternoon flight. Unfortunately, he might not be back though. I have known this a while ago, but I haven't realized that odd feeling that I just sensed minutes ago. It's not that I am sad, and it is not that I am happy either. Just an odd feeling that I don't really know how to explain in simple words. Or even not liable to describe in words. Oh, and I am not being sappy neither pathetic. Just strange feeling. Odd.

What I know, we had shared good things and bad things together. And that is the important bits. We had that. And that is all that matters. I just hope that eveything will not be as difficult as it is ought to be.