Tick Tock Tick Tockk!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

As Time Flies

It has been a while. It has been so strange to cope with the new situation. Honestly. Probably, because we have been so long together, even though we are not together... then, suddenly something like this happened. It just blow things off!

However, since he's gone... somehow I got this unbelievable male attention at every side of my life! It's not one or two, but at the moment, there are four guys! And two of them, are actually friends! Like, they know each other, and one of them actually confront the other! What mess am I putting myself into?

To be honest, I am not looking for a new relationship. Plus, I didn't do anything to these people. Seriously. It's not like I am giving them chances or anything, a hit-on-me cue, or anything such like... nothing! And, somehow... it does scares me a bit.

Too much undivided male attention just help me up to recover of the sore, being left behind and ignored. But then again, what are these people expecting?

I had started my class, last Thursday... and I think, with the class started, I am becoming more busy than usual. All my time seems to be occupied. No free time available, and it shall be upon request, only. I think. In that case, I am sort of thankful too! So, it can actually take my mind off him!

Well, that's about it. Silly me, but I think I do like him still. Or maybe, it was the longing thingy? I wonder...

Friday, September 26, 2008


Hey there.

All the things have been taken from my house, just minutes ago. He came, and now he's gone. He is completely gone for good now.

He did came earlier on this morning. He did. He came to pick up his money left here and few important stuff that he really really needs for the day. It was one hour before I went to class.

I know I might sound stupid about this whole story I am going to tell you about, but this is the fact. The truth fact.

When he was here, he was asking me, why would you became so angry to me? And, I didn't answer him at all. I just kept myself quiet, holding to my knees, on a chair. I was ignoring him completely. I just can't.

Then, within seconds, I can feel him hugging me from behind, and its just so beautiful. He keeps on asking me, softly. I retracted myself from him at first, but then I couldn't bear the sorrow inside me, and I just cried. I cried. And he was hugging and hugging me, comfortably. And it just keep me in tears. And he tried to shussh me, and said to me, not to cry. And calming me down. And then, I just blurted it all out. I told him everything, that I was so torn about what happened. And everything is let out. And he answered me. For once, I was so pleased with the answer.

"People make mistakes. It was a mistake to do such thing... don't cry. Please don't cry..." It was the most soothing thing I have ever heard from him. The most comfortable position to be there in his arms even though I knew by that time that he is going tomorrow, for good! It was such a nice moment. And we were holding on to each other, and he just hold on to me, and not releasing at all. I cried, I cried and I cried.

Then, he picked me up from the chair and bring me to the sofa, like a baby. And we cuddled for few minutes, and it was so quiet. Cuddling and hugging, in silence. It was the best moment ever, and somehow the tears just can't stop. I know that I will loose him for good this time, even though I never ever had him before.

He went out then later, back to the hostel he was in, and I went to class.

He came again few minutes ago to take the rest of the stuff. He was packing, and rushing. And I was just sitting there, and we were talking while he's doing the packing. And half an hour later, all packed and he moved to the door, and tell me, okay... that he is going. And we said bye, and that's it.

I really don't know what is going on between us now, because I know that I won't be seeing him again. But, it was just a simple bye. Honestly, a hug and a bye. And that's it.

Then, when he was gone, I was sitting on a couch, then only I can feel a streak of tears coming down on my cheek... I just cried again. It's done. That's it. And, he's just gone, and what I know for sure now, is that... I am collapsing, and I am collapsing badly.

What is it with that? Is there anything you think that I missed? Why would we had the moment? The silence moment? Is it not better off to not get involved when it's supposed to be ended?! Why would that happened? I am so torn.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Little Note For You

It has been such a half pleasant, half wrecking day for me. I mean, for the whole situation.

I must be lying if I said I am all okay about it. I do feel sad about it, honestly. I mean, he is a nice guy deep inside. He has the good side of him. He really does. But somehow, he just choose to be a jerk more than any guys would ever thought of... and it just similarly like, pushing me further away.

But whatever it is, I think this is the end, the end! I mean, the end of the whole ends I have in this entire year. It is really finished, and seriously no messing around.

It's a bit of slap on the face. Like, he will be really not be in one of character in my life. No more him, nothing, nil. As I did got some sort of a warn, kind of... saying that when he will be taking the stuff, I should just delete all his numbers, mails, etc. and don't ever think of contacting him, anymore. It was a bit harsh I think, even though I think it is sort of a copycat, as I did already said that to him yesterday that "I don't want to have any contact with him anymore, it's finish..."???

And worst, somehow... I think he did sneak in, and have a peek on my blog, and unfortunately he did read over off all the nasty stuff that I wrote in here, all about him yesterday when I was really really torn? Don't ask me how did I found out that he's been reading, but honestly... like 99% that it is right! He did peek in, and it was at 1pm-ish today. And I guess, somehow... that is where the harshness came from!

It's the truth anyway. So, it must be really hard on him to read about his act in someone's blog! And if he is reading this, here's a message to him. Sincerely from the bottom of my heart...

"It was a pleasure knowing you. And I am being mean, the meanest of all girls if I said that none of the things that you did is good. You did some good things, even some wonderful things to me all these while. But there were more nasty and hurtful things that you did which, shred me into pieces. It was good fun knowing you, and honestly... I treasure those moments, and it was one precious memories, that I keep inside, and will never put it away. But somehow, I did feel strange that it ended up this way, as I thought if you could be a little bit more wiser and mature, things would never never will become this way. I cherish our friendship, relationship, platonic bonding or whatever you may called it, it's nice, but it's done and gone. Hope you will have a wonderful life ahead, and instead of being such a childish, wishing that you will be having bad luck all your life, instead... may you have great fun in everything that you do! Just don't get too carried away with those nasty ego of yours! Oh yeah, and grow up and learn to accept your mistakes when you do have flaws! Not everyone is perfect!"

I am relieved, more relieved somehow! Ah! Back on my two little feet, and the best thing of all... now it is for real! Hooray!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Kudos To Me

Kudos to me. I have been so mean. The most meanest girl, you have ever met!!

I made a choice. I have chased him out from t he house yesterday evening! I think I do have came back to my senses! At least, something made me!

Something he did just pissed me off BIG TIME! First, I discovered that my laptop has been used for a filthy, most filthiest reason! He watched PORN using my laptop, in my house! I know its sounds silly. Sounds a bit selfish, after all, he is a guy! But still... I can't tolerate that!

Then, I found a conversation that he told his friend (a friend who knows me to well, and get along well with me) that a trip to somewhere else is more nicer than to go to Prague with me! That is the most horrible terrible thing that he can said to someone!

Then, I decided to confront and really chased him out! Out! Basta!

I asked him to collect all his things and just BUZZ OFF! He did came home and take few stuff, and left loads of stuff still!! With the reason he'll pick t up today or next week the rest of it!

He is so bold of doing it, and I did actually asked him to fu** off! Like, seriously!

I told him that this is not a joke I am playing, and he definitely has to pick everything up as soon as possible because I have had enough, and I can't tolerate anymore and better off we don't have any contact at all!!

Somehow, I do feel proud of myself! I should have done this earlier! He is such a mess in my life all these while!

That is all I can say. Kudos to me.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Silly Selfish Brat

Here I am, having my holidays in my home. First day, of my three consecutive days of holidays. Unbelievably fun! At least, I don't have to go to work on Monday. That's a start! :)

It was such a nice weather earlier on, I mean... it was sunny. And it was beautiful too. But then, I was too lazy to go anywhere, and what I did is just curling up on bed. I was too lazy to do anything. That is the problem.

And now, the weather has turned awfully bad, and bad clouds are everywhere. But, no worries on that. At least, I have plans for tomorrow and Wednesday. I thought of exploring Dublin, and that would be nice. As to be honest, I haven't got the chance to really see what Dublin has to offer!

I have long lengthy timetable to be caught up, tomorrow. I mean, I really do have. And I have a companion too! I mean, I am not going alone! I am going with a friend of mine. She is an irish, and we would definitely have fun together, tomorrow! How fun would that be? :)

I have come to my senses, that someone can just be a jerk and will always be a jerk when he decided, and planned for it for so long time. I never thought that a person can be such a jerk, and selfish at one time without even thinking of what affect would that be to the other person. And, honestly, I think such person is a sick person! Really really sick person!

Being selfish, is kind of normal, if he is used to be one. But then, being selfish, and using a person kindness for his own benefits, and treat her back like a shit, is obviously stupid and silly at the same time, which comes to the conclusion, this person really needs help! And to be honest, I would not want to help this kind of person! Its stupid! And its outrageous!

He is still here in my home, not talking to me, but living in my home, using my things, and worst, staying here... but not talking to me? How odd a thing can be? This is beyond what you thought it supposed to be?! I mean, what is this if it is not meant, using a person? What is this, if you can't called this person, selfish? Doesn't he feels a bit stupid, and terrible for doing such things?

I can't chase him out from the house, as I think it would be so rude, and I don't do rude things to people. At the end of the day, I am the one who feels really really bad that he acted this way, and somehow I did feel like I am the one who is hogging, and crashing his house, instead of my house he is crashing in!

Is this not selfish? What is this then?

Worst Deja Vu

Hey there. It has been a while since I have been out not jotting any updates on my life, recently. It's either I was too busy with my life, or else I was too busy discovering the meaning of life to me. It has been a puzzle to myself, and I guess to certain numbers of girls in this whole wide world too. It has been so weird recently. Everything seems to be a deja vu to me. But not a good deja vu, but the strange ones. And it is not favourable at all.

Now, here I am. Sitting on a couch, wandering what should I write in here. It has been too many things in my mind to splurge it all out. First, I knew something that is really really true. We can't really think that a person is change, as he will never change. It is only as a pentomine play in front of you. Seriously. Like, even though it seems like it, it was never be the way you want it to be.

Maybe that is what I should be thinking all these while. It's just so not right. Oh, by the way... I didn't go to Prague. I am here in Dublin. Holidays are still there, so I am not going to work on Monday to Wednesday. As it was supposed to be my holidays, and I should be in Prague now. Sadly, but so true.

So, basically nothing much really happened. It is all plain and boring. That it is all that matters.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Incomplete Lullaby

I am a bit mellow and sluggish this weekend. I went out on Friday, and it is horrible. I mean, I don't think I am capable of going out anymore, anytime soon. I'm through.

I went to Boyz2Men with a friend of mine. Fairy. We had a blast. It starts at half seven on Friday night, and it was brilliant. Then, I met few friends of mine later on, and we went somewhere. It was good, just that I feel strange that I don't feel like I am going out. I knew something, that I missed Mr. Jerk somehow.

He called me at half four in the morning, but I didn't answer it because I didn't actually realized it! Then, he keep on calling all the time. And it was a shocked really. I mean, why would he called.

Then, I just knew that he had a fight somewhere in Italy, and he rang me. Like, why is that so? I knew this because I had few friends with me at the moment, and one of them is Italian, so he kind of translate it to me. As Mr. Jerk was actually speaking crazy italian with me. Silly.

But then, as in today, things just got worst, and I decided to tell him I am not going to Prague with him. He just made a mess, and acting like a kindergarten kid! He didn't even booked any hotel, accommodation as yet!!! And we are going in a week time! I told and asked him before, and he said he will do that. And no, he didn't. I think it is good if we don't go. And he is quite happy about it. He tried to twist things out, telling me aah.. its better if we don't go since I made such a mess with it, but then I told him... not to worry, as I don't feel good to go anyway. Such a jerk!!

I think, not going is much much more better for me, at least I can put this things on the fine line. I mean, I can stop all this nonsense, really. Back on my life, and that is much more important at the moment!

Oh, by the way, I have come across this music, this song. And I think it is kind of cute song. I like this girl, who sing the song. She is from Australia and I think she is just cool! Have fun listening!! :)

Happy Weekends, everyone!

P/S: the vid is kind of authentic too! :)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fun Times

Aha!! :)

Forget to tell you this. I was told by my couz, that she has awarded me with such award! A Fun Blog. Therefore, as usual... I need to pass this to few people, so it will be continuously in the blogsphere.

So, here are the list of people I am awarding it to:-

She's awesome! I haven't ever not laugh whenever I read her post! Adorable post, day by day! Kudos to you, ScratchBag! :)
He is a legend!! At least, every morning, his blog will eventually be my first site, to go there and read while having a mug of fresh coffee!! It is fun, and it is educational in a way! (I know you don't do awards, but I am giving it to you still!!)
70steen is among the first bloggers I have met in blogsphere. And she is just class! Her blog is full of information of basically what's happening in the 70s! And of course, she surely know how to keep me happy! Love you!
This is an extra-ordinary 'piece of art!'. Every single thing in the blog just portray one word, FUN! So, give me reason why I shouldn't give this out to her??? You surely wouldn't find one, instead you will definitely agree with me! She deserves it well!

I don't know whether if there is any maximum limit or anything such, so I am giving it away now. Have fun and you worth it! *twirl* < --- sound like the Loreal adverts! haha...

Good night!

Sounds Like A Plan

Hey there. So, the weekends are nearly there. I can't wait. I seriously can't. There are too much things on my mind at the moment. And too circled up with work too. So, a weekends off and out and get piss, is always the best thing to do at the moment. At least, that is what I am thinking of doing anyway.... :)

It is my friend's birthday today. He is from Germany. Good thing about him, we have no affection between us which, is more than friends. We are purely friends, and friends we are. It's so cool to hang out with him nowadays as he always been there when I got things to complaint about. How cool can it be?

He knows about Mr. Jerk, knows about my less than a week date thingy, my idiotic moves to register online on the flirting website, basically he is there and laugh whenever he should, and calm me down whenever it is require!

We are definitely going out tomorrow to celebrate his birthday and definitely going to be mental all weekends. Even though I will be having a Site Meeting on Monday, nothing would ever stop me from doing what I want to do this weekend.

I think I stress too much. It is simply annoying, and I can't start to hurt myself now and over and over again! It just won't stop. So, a good night out would do me, just fine. *devilish looks*

We will see how it goes. And I would definitely keep you posted.

Thank you all! Love you people! Good night! *twirl*

Thursday, September 11, 2008

What Am I Made Of?

Hey there. Just came back from the second date. Okay, the movie was nice. Everything is nice, just that I have a new conclusion. I think I do have a problem. I won't be successful, not at all. Naa...ah!
I mean, I won't be successful in terms of love life. Not a chance!

I think he likes me now. I really think so. And, it's not like I am being mean or anything, but I think whenever I know that a guy is interested in me, I would run. Simply run! And, that means... no relationship at all!

Gosh! What have I gotten myself into? I am spoiling myself though, that is more like it. I should be very happy that a guy is falling for me, but I react the other way round? Why is that supposed to happen?

I think that is it. I mean, I can't see this guy anymore. That is it. I can't. Because, if I do... I am lying to myself. Pretending to be okay but then I am not in the inside. He is such a nice guy, and I am not worth it a try. I think so.

Was too funny in the movie, he keeps on looking at me. I mean, staring!!! What is that???? God! And I keep having a thought of, I can do this. I can try to like him. He is such a nice guy. I keep on repeat this on my mind, but alas... no chance. Not a chance!

I am a bit*h, I think. That is what I am. I am so useless. I can't do what normal girls usually do. Have a normal life, with a normal boyfriend on their side. No. I just can't. Then, I know that I am not normal. *giggles* I know I shouldn't be laughing about this, but I think it is funny. Furthermore, I think I am kind of funny! More like an idiot!

I am really sorry, but I just can't. What am I made of? How I wonder!

P/S: When I got home, trying to figure out why this is all happening like this... I got a text from Mr. Jerk. Why on earth should he appear now? After so long he has been so quiet? And why, would he turned up right in the middle of me having a huge, horrible decision to think about? Does this mean anything????? Simply annoying!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Runaway Bride

It's Tuesday. I got few letters from college, noticing me when I have to come to college for registration, how much and stuff like that. I am quite excited though. *wink*

Even though it was a busy day in the office today, I feel a bit different. I feel that I am contented! I mean, I had a dinner last night with my friend, Fairy. She is the only girl here, from my country who is close to me. Okay, a bit off the statement. I do have few more. *giggles* I mean, this girl is actually one of the girls that I have met when I was here. I hope you get what I mean.

Anyway, it has been a good moment. I mean, I haven't seen her for quite sometimes now. Especially, when I was too attached with Mr. Jerk. So, in a way, I do feel nice. And I made pasta. Salmon creme pasta. It was nice, though.

We had dinner and talk for hours. It has been ages since I did that before! Seriously. And worst, I kind of miss the old me!

I guess with Mr. Jerk not being around, there are few good things happened to me. That soon made me wonder, is it meant to be this way then? Perhaps, when he is gone, it is better not just for him, but maybe for me too? It never stops me from having this thought. Maybe this is what I want, like what it was supposed to be?

More stuff! I will be having another date again tomorrow. No, no. Not a new guy. It is the guy that I met few days back. The Irish! *wink* To be honest, I don't know what I am doing though. I mean, I like this guy. He is kind of nice. Even my friends told me so. But then again, knowing me with my fickle minded, thinking too much, paranoia everywhere... it just annoyed me too much!

I mean, whenever he started to be nice, and narrow down the gap between us, I feel like I have to run. Run, run away from him. Seriously. But then, when I thought that he is a bit reluctant or keeping the distance, I love to loathing near. I mean, seriously... It just drives me nuts!

Have you ever watched Runaway Bride? I feel like one now. I mean, I am too afraid. Say, if he likes me, I do want him too. But then, naturally... I would run! Trust me on that. I guess we will see what happened tomorrow though.

He has his birthday as well. I mean, he will be 27 this Friday, and he would like to see me for a while. But he said, it's okay if I am busy. I mean, it is his birthday, why would he care if I am busy or not? God. I don't know.

I guess we just see what happens then. Wish me luck.

Good night.

P/S: Oh, by the way... I think he is kinda cute. He is not skinny, that's for sure. :)

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Back On The Game?

Hey there. Whoa... It has really been a while. Picking myself up, scattered on the floor. Shredded into pieces. It was difficult. It really was.

Don't know whether I am supposed to be this way, it is in my nature, or I am simply a really really bad girl.. but I nearly forget him at this moment now. At least, for a while.

I went out yesterday. It was a date. I had a date. Err... not a date, but two dates. In two hours difference. *wink*

It's just simply stupid, silly me. I don't know what to do on weekends, since I don't really go out this weekend, so I did something really really stupid, pathetic. I registered myself into one of this socialize website. No, no. Not the naked ladies thingy, or anything such like. More like a descent ones. However, I ended up having two dates in two hours gap. It was fun, to be honest!

The first one was Italian. I just don't know why, but I did attract more than five Italians 5 minutes right after I registered! And it was not an italian website, it was supposed to be a worldwide thingy! That is only for the first five minutes, but then later on, more and more italians! I just don't know why!

Anyway, yesterday's date was fun! At least the second one! First one was Italian. He is not really nice. He is more like, let's go to bed kind of guy! So irritating! Anyway, it only lasts for less than two hours. Second one was Irish! Surprise, surprise!! And... surprisingly, he is quite fun! Kinda cute, blond hair, always made me laugh all the time, full of surprises, and our interests are kind of similar, in a way! And it lasts from seven 'till half eleven, and he even walked me home!! How fiction kinda guy, is that? :)

I don't know. However, Mr. Jerk is still there, lingering on my mind. He is still there somehow. Still there, even though he sorts of ignoring me in a way. He never calls, never texts... like I am just an illusion to him. It's torturing me. But he did chatted with me before I am off to meet these guys, and he knew. I purposely told him. I intend to. So that at least he knows that I am not sitting at home and thinking about him all the time, even though I did that most of the times if I am so free at home with nothing to do! He shouldn't know this, and he would not.

God! I am destroying myself in a way. I am, I know that.

I am so stupid, yes? I think so too!
Good night.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

E-mail Buzz

It has been a while since I write. It is so meaningless. Life. I don't know anymore what I am doing, basically. He called.

He did last few days. But silly me, again... I refused to answer for some reason, which I don't really know what. Pathetic, eh? And, it is not only once, it was twice. I don't know whether is this the right thing for me to do, or I am just torturing myself with such punishments because I know things are not getting better.

It's not like making such things, made me feel great instead its making things go worst. On me, precisely.

Got an email anyway. It was yesterday. It was such an overwhelming mail. Once, before he went off to where ever he is supposed to go, I told him that I am not going to be bothered with any things that have to do with the Prague trip, as I thought that he is not even excited about going there. He seriously wasn't. So, I leave it to him, all the accommodation stuff, where to go and things like that on hold. Not that we are going anyway, at least that is what I thought of. And I even told him this, as I am tired of being the Little Nice Missy!

As I am so sure that we are not going, anyway. He is so ethusiastic, NOT!

But then again, I thought I was thinking too much before. The email explained everything, somehow... it is the opposite of what I thought!

He told me that he booked the hotel! He did! He actually did, and somehow it caught me in surprise! Seriously. Knowing him, he wouldn't do such thing! Honest to God!

With this thing happened, shall I say that most of all the things that I thought would presumably, be totally wrong?! Would that be possible? He is so full of surprises, and I don't really know anymore. And, should I really go to this Prague trip? Would that be any good or it will shred me to pieces, when it is ended?

God, I think I am really suck at this. I am thinking too much, as always. Silly girl.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It Is Real

So, it is already Tuesday, and actually it is Wednesday already. I am sitting on my bed, having my laptop with me... thought I should have write something as I already have been neglected the blog ever since the day...

Surprisingly, I am quite okay. Not quite, but just right. I was a bit 'collapsing' in a way, when I got home and found out all was left only myself and few stuff. I have been trying to cope up the peaefulness without having to be into the silent treatment no more. But, sadly enough... I think I do miss that part though. As if now, it was only me with myself and no others.

I got a text! Last night when I was already tucked under my comfy duvet. It was an accident though. I didn't even hear the phone making text sound, or anything such... Just a coincidence. And there it was, a text from an unknown number. A text from that particular country. Bliss.

Somehow, I do feel my heart is making a yelp! Quietly inside. The tremendous excitement. I knew it was that person. After few days of trying too hard to not think about it, I got a text! It was magnificent! In a way. I did replied, and no answer. No answer until today. That is always the case. Always will be.

What is going on with us? But at least it was not me who did trying to find him, even though I do feel the urge to do so. I just can't. At least he did text me once, even though he did not reply me then. Would that means something, or would that really means anything?

God. It is too sad to think about it, furthermore to make my own speculation on it.

Whatever it is, I can't really lied to myself. I just can't. I tried to make things easier by to get into fights so that I can get over it, as soon as possible. But I just really can't. At least not now. And, others... are keep on telling me that I am being stupid of not realizing that it is only a pentomine. But it is not. It is really not the thing. It's just different, and whatever things people are going to say about it, I know deep inside it is actually real. Somehow. It is.

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